Feeling selfish and how I’m trying to fix it

Hello dear readers (all 7 of you left). I’ve been pretty quiet on the blog front because as I have said before, I lost alot of desire to do it when there was some drama earlier this year, the first big bout of it since transferring Endy to ThoBro. It was a snowball of one thing causing another, which, when combined with more recent goings on have hit me (as usual) hard. And my desire to not name and shame to cause further dramaz made it real hard to blog about what’s going on.

My RL friends, the ones I transferred to ThoBro to be guilded with, decided after long deliberation to transfer off to another server about 2 months ago (honestly can’t recall the exact dates). Their reasons are their own to explain (or not), but sufficed to say, I can’t blame them in the least, as I’ve been there myself. It gets to a point where you have to do what’s good for YOU, even though that will leave many people sad and possibly shake things up. And get shaken up they did. WaR took many hits in the days and weeks following, many folks were going on hiatuses from the game (not, I think, connected to the news of transferring), which broke up one of our raid groups overnight. Some decided to seek out raiding elsewhere (I kept wondering how many in the guild thought I was going to follow my friends to their new server, or if I was going to go back to my old one). The rest of us were left to scramble around and try to fix the officer core and crown a new GM (not me, not ever me, heck no), which was even more drama. As always, I don’t give up easily, and I felt the need to do what I could to help, somehow becoming a higher ranking officer than before.

Things haven’t felt quite the same since, and I still have plans A, B, C and maybe even a D rattling around in my head, just in case. I spent more time on my old server because I didn’t feel quite so stressed when I logged in there. You know, the irony is that I transferred off of Scarlet Crusade because of drama and now it’s the server that I am turning to to escape it. Many of the guildies I felt closest too on ThoBro are now gone. I am trying SO HARD not to just give up, but at the same time, I’m…not. I could be doing more, but I am being selfish. Rather than spending more time on ThoBro to be a bigger presence, I just…couldn’t bring myself to face possible strife. Endy 2.0’s guild, while full of youngins that like to cuss and use phrases that make me /facepalm, doesn’t seem to have the antics I see on ThoBro. Maybe because it’s a slightly more hardcore raid environment, or something that just can’t be quantified, but it just…works. I think it also helps that the GM is a long time guildie who was scarred by out last guild break up and loathes drama as much as I.

Naturally, this lead me to question whether or not I should just acknowledge that I’m not giving my all to ThoBro (and I mean as a whole; I should note that when I come to a raid, I give 100%, I try my best and don’t just phone it in, or don’t show up because I just don’t feel like it) any more and remove myself from the guild or if folks are ok with what I AM giving. I’m afraid that at any moment, the rug will get swept from under me and I hate that feeling. But this is what drama does to me. I run from conflict, I hate it, it stresses me right the fuck out.

I recently had a chat with the GM of my ThoBro guild in an effort to get out all that was bothering me. People can’t fix problems, or even try to fix them, if they don’t know about them. I didn’t want to just go “X, Y and Z are bothering me, I’m out of here!” without doing everything I could to address that I had some issues and try to turn things around. Later that week, my raid group had a pre-raid meeting, wherein we talked a few things out. The GM acknowledged his poor attitude of late and why he’s been that way, I spoke up about a few issues (got completely misunderstood on one of my points…) and mentioned how I’d been stressed, folks talked and hopefully we’ll be a bit better for it. I can’t come clean about ALL the things that are irking me or stressing me, namely because it would just not help (or cause MORE problems) or are things that I don’t see changing, but at least for this week, for the first time in awhile, I really enjoyed raiding with the ThoBro’ers. I’m still fairly cautious though, I am not sure what the future holds. I can only try my best, and like I told the GM, give 100% to making things superawesome again by running more heroics for gear, being on more, etc.

I am trying to simplify my raiding life a bit, so I’m not scheduling so much of my game time for raids. Until very recently, I was raiding on 3 toons on 2 different servers, which was….challenging and time consuming. I finally pulled Endy out of her Monday raid. I’d been trying to get out of it for a few months with no luck (I was trying to hang around until another healer could be found, but it just wasn’t a pressing issue since I was always there) and I finally just said “No, no more, not coming” and pushed the issue. There’s more I could do, but for now, that’s at least a little more free time I have do say, go do something with a guy I may be dating (just as a toooooootally random example) or do whatever I please in game.

So there we are, my life of late. Still polyserverous and polyguilderous, still playing, still raiding…just trying to find the fun again. In a bit of topical news, I hear they’re introducing pandas in the next expansion (my thoughts: meh, but willing to wait til the expac actually comes out before I go bonkers about how stupid pandas are). Also, coming down on the side of “Not cool, Blizz” over the whole Blizzcon concert debacle. In my opinion, that deserves a real apology, not some “We’re really sorry if you were offended, it was a joke, you guyz!” excuse. The things that have been said under the “just a joke” excuse…some things just aren’t funny, ‘joke’ or not.


About Holly

I'm a 30-something human being who enjoys traveling, reading and playing SWTOR in my spare time.
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3 Responses to Feeling selfish and how I’m trying to fix it

  1. Fannon says:

    Your readers are still here, Endy. We’re all just waiting for you to come back and write something. 🙂

    I’m in a similar situation as you, gamewise. Stress at home and at work has really coloured my attitude towards the game. Add to that my fury over the recent raid nerfs and I haven’t been enjoying myself nearly as much as I used to. Feeling stress (for whatever reason) because of a game that is played to be enjoyed defeats the purpose and is counter-productive.

    I can’t really offer any suggestions on how to get over these feelings, but I am going to simplify things and just play to have fun. Screw guild drama and politics, screw raiding nerfs and Blizzard’s business decisions. I like this game. I play to have fun. So that’s what I’m going to do.

    I hope that you figure things out and find your happy place again, Endy. If you quit your blog I will be forced to travel to where you live, chain you to your keyboard until you write again and I don’t think anyone wants that to happen. 🙂

  2. Endyme says:

    Thanks for the kind words, Fannon! I’ve definitely had to wrestle with the “play to have fun” thing, which is the same advice I’ve given to others in the past who are struggling with one thing or the other in game. Problem is, I’m exceptionally loyal to guilds in game, remaining in them past the point I should have left (in previous guilds) and it’s hard to just….go. I’m concerned because I’ve made a few comments to friends in recent weeks that had me going “Huh, yeah, thaaaaaaaat’s not a good sign.” after I made them. I’ve told myself that if things remain as they are, or get worse, after trying to do what I can to improve or resolve the things that bother me, I’m going to do *something* to bring back the fun. That something isn’t set in stone or anything, but I have a few options. But that’s all hopefully just theoretical. I’m gonna put in some effort to turning my frown upside down!

  3. Mo says:

    Endy, things change, time passes and people come and go. As one of those that took a hiatus for a few months from the game and guild, I realized that guilds change as people do. We make friends and acquaintances all through life. High school friends, college buddies, neighbors that all at one time are extremely close, but over time with separations, folks drift apart. I still consider the folks I ran with in that broken raid group game friends, and would not hesitate to help them out if I could. Heck, I owed a lot to WaR for showing me how to raid in Naxx and allowing me to raid with great people.

    WaR was a great guild to be in with highly social people willing to run instances and help in anyway they could, but as people came and went connections were lost and the feel of the guild were different for me. I think I tried to keep things moving with the guild by sponsoring mount raid runs in OS and sponsoring and providing the prizes for the fishing contest for the “fish feast achievement.” But other than the two main raid groups and a few achievement runs in old content (which I almost always signed up for), little else was going on, and even the two raid groups at the end kept changing members almost weekly. I know a lot of people were frustrated, I guess at the end we should have just had everyone sit down a hash it out, and set some goals that most in the guild wanted to achieve. Instead we just went our separate ways. But the guild’s achievements look a lot like an old high school year book. We all fondly remember the names of the people that were connected to each achievement, and wonder what realm, guild or toon they are running now.

    I would still like to keep my connections with those that are still in WaR and help out when I can, but for my main character I thought it was time to move on. WaR was a huge part of my WoW experience and I met a great group of people that I would not hesitate to run with even today and that surely includes you Endy! But as the old saying says “nothing stays the same,” so no guild has ever stayed the same forever. Sometimes we only have the good memories and momentos like achievements, mounts or legendary gear to remember the heydays of our time in a guild.


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