In which I feel guilty

This post is going to be red, because….I feel like it.

I’ve noticed something about myself over my WoW raiding career. I suffer from ‘loot guilt.’  See, when I’m raiding progression content, and an item is desired by more than one person, I feel guilty rolling and then winning it. Even with DKP sometimes, I feel bad because others needed the item aside from me and I got it and they didn’t. I try to err on the side of caution….if I’m not sure or it’s a mild side grade, I don’t bother rolling. Which means I have passed up on things that I later go “Yeeeah, that was an upgrade after all. Dangit. Ehh, next time.” And when I’m new to a guild, I’m even more twitchy about rolling on loot. My gosh, one guild I was new-ish too, I would ask if it was ok I was rolling, or whisper the RL or something, because I didn’t want to be percieved as a loot ho or just greedy and piss veteran guildies off.

Just tonight, I was in ICC and my 10 man crew dropped Festergut for the first time (woooo!). A nice healy ring dropped and it was a pretty spifftastic upgrade from a Triumph emblem ring I had. A few others rolled on it and for a few seconds I mulled over whether I should roll as well or pass to be nice. I had a whole split second debate over it (pause too long and the choice is made for me, after all). It wasn’t as if I would be in the wrong to roll on it, but still I felt guilt. Should I pass so that others will get the loot and benefit from it? After all, gearing up your teammates helps you in the end, by gearing them up and thus being able to progress further. Would anyone gripe, even inwardly to themselves, if I did roll?

In 25 mans, where we use DKP, the guilt isn’t as bad. It’s why I like DKP, because at least it is equal-ish in how loot is distributed. I say equal-ish, cause there are folks have gripes about the fairness of most every DKP system around. My guild uses Suicide Kings, though I’ve not entirely disliked any DKP system I’ve been subject to…well, maybe the first one I ever used back in the day (don’t ask me the name, I wasn’t hip to that kinda shit back then), where each item had a value and you’d bid in raid and whoever had the highest bid and had the points for it, would get it. Struck me as somewhat unfair and…wierd. But it was my first brush with DKP, so who knows what I’d think of it now. Point is, DKP at least is an attempt to make loot distribution fair and you can’t just win 4 items in a night unless nobody else wants them. So my guilt problem is usually allayed by the DKP system. It’s impartial and fair (ish).

I think part of my problem is I care (too much at times) what people think of me. I don’t want them thinking I’m a horrible, selfish person, and I fear that when I roll on gear, someone who needed it more will feel jealous and whatnot because they needed it more or thought it was a better fit for their class/spec, or they’ll think “She already got something by /rolling greed earlier, she shouldn’t be needing on something if I haven’t gotten anything tonight” or *something*. I try to be nice and fair and polite, etc, but at the same time, I need gear too and….augh!!! I worry too much. Still, this ‘loot guilt’ has been with me since I started raiding, I think. I even remember getting a shield off Ragnaros in MC back in ye olde days and feeling guilty cause the GM (also a pally) pretty much gave it to me by not bidding on it or something…I felt so bad, even while feeling elated.

Is there a solution to this? I wish I knew. Am I overreacting? Who’s to say…if anyone’s had a problem with me and loot I’ve rolled on, I haven’t heard about it. Will I continue to feel guilty at times? Most likely. I’m a worrier who cares too much about other’s opinion of me. It’s just who I am. Maybe it’s cause I got bullied as a kid and my self worth is based on what folks think of me. Yeeeah. Oh, and to those folks who did mock me when I was younger: KISS MY ASS. Oh, that felt good.